Question 

My mother was diagnosed with Dementia about two years ago. For the most part, she gets along and around well. She handles getting up, eating, dressing, bathing and most self-care tasks. Her husband does the banking, bill paying, driving, and anything that requires decision making. 

We have handled her diagnosis fairly well, except for one area: when mom is out in public. You see, mom will say anything that crosses her mind. She will comment loudly on what others are wearing, tattoos, hair, food choices, weight, you name it, she will find a way to embarrass us.   

All of us who take her on outings are wondering what to do when mom says things that she simply should not. Do we carry a big sign that says “Dementia” and flash it when necessary? It seems extreme, but we are really looking for solutions to this behavior. 

Answer 

Speaking without a filter is fairly common for someone with dementia. When you are the person functioning as a caregiver, you can feel responsible for what she says and embarrassed for her and yourself. You will feel guilty by association and feel a need to fix the situation. 

There are several strategies that you can employ to make the instances more tolerable when they occur. You do have to plan a little bit, at the moment it can be difficult to remember your chosen response if not prepared for it. 

One strategy is to distract her. Either change the subject or move her away from the situation. I do not recommend correcting, taking to task, or starting an argument. You will most surely lose in that situation and make it much bigger than it was before you intervened. 

Another choice is to carry small cards that have a single word, "DEMENTIA" printed on them. Out of your mother’s sight you can simply hand the offended the card. Most people will understand and give your mother, and you, a pass. 

Very simply you can mouth the word, “sorry” to the recipient of mother’s comment. 

There may be triggers that you can avoid. Make sure that your mother is well rested, fed, and content when you take her out. Simply skip situations that have triggered her in the past. She may do best with family that understands and familiar settings in her hometown. If you see someone approaching that will draw an inappropriate comment, steer her the other way.  

These ideas do require effort and planning. They make any trip harder and are likely to decrease her socialization and increase her isolation. Short daily outings may be best and easiest for caregivers to manage and mother to tolerate.   

I applaud your effort to accommodate your mother and others by seeking solutions that are best for all. Do know that others are dealing with the same issue and there are good days and not so good days. I hope the tips help.