Question 

How do I get rid of the feeling of resentment for the time it is taking to care for my mother? 

Mom needs help and I only live a couple of miles away. Checking on her, getting groceries, and cleaning really takes away from time with my family. It is also making me cranky and resentful. 

I think my mother can tell that I do not always want to be there, yet there is no one else to do it. My sibling lives in another state. 

Mom lives in an apartment and her place is fairly small. She is grateful and sweet; I just get tired and resentful. What is wrong with me? 

Answer 

There is nothing wrong with you. You are human. You get tired. You have things to manage and at times it feels like too much. It will happen to everyone that serves as a caregiver. 

What would be helpful is for you to figure out ways to look forward to your time with your mother. I am going to make several recommendations for you to try so that maybe you can reframe your time. 

• Set up a puzzle at your mother’s place and spend 30 minutes on each visit working on the puzzle. 

• Purchase or make your favorite beverage only for the time you spend at your mother’s house. 

• Help your mother pick out pictures from her life when you are with her for 15 minutes to make into a life story picture book. 

• Start a television series that you only watch while cleaning your mother’s house. You can do this on your phone or tablet. 

• Do an ongoing project with your mother for 15 to 30 minutes each visit that you both enjoy doing. 

I realize that these ideas are distractions, but what they will do is attach some entertainment to tasks that are repetitive and somewhat boring. They can also feel like rewards. It is just fine to give yourself a little reward for being a caregiver, you deserve it. 

On days that you care for your mother do one thing at home that cares for you. Maybe on those days you sit in the tub for 30 minutes or make an espresso for yourself and sit and read for 30 minutes. Creating a little reward for yourself on the days you care for mom can make those days more palatable now, and a sweet little memory later. 

It’s all about giving to others and yourself at the same time. The tasks are the tasks, and they cannot be dismissed. Finding the joy and reward in doing them is the secret to making it work.