Question 

I am an 85-year-old with adult children that do not get along with each other. There are three of them, two boys and a girl. Since they have been out of the house, they have never developed a relationship. 

The kids never talk to each other. They only speak negatively of their siblings. I am not really sure what the issue is. It seems that they do not like anything about each other. Truth be told, they are each quite different. One is a conservative police officer, one a liberal teacher, and the third homemaker. One has a family, one is divorced, and one is single.  

Right now, I am worried that they will not be able to agree or work together to coordinate care for me in the future. I realize that my concern is self-serving, but the way they behave has got me worried.  

Every family gathering results in someone storming out after heated words, or silence and avoidance all around.  

Is there a way to get them together and appreciate that they have siblings? I want them to get along! 

Answer 

You have a very real fear that your children will not come together on your behalf as you get older. The behavior you are witnessing is not a strong indicator that things will change in the future without any effort. 

It will take a concerted effort to foster a change in your family. The relationships you described are long standing and not easily changed. They have issues with each other that have not been worked through or worked out. 

The first thing is not to take sides. Respect that each of your children may have a valid unresolved issue. You may or may not know what the issues are, though I am guessing that you have some idea, as people talk.  

Do not talk about or complain about one child to another; it only makes things worse. Touting the accomplishment of one of your children to the others or sharing their failures is a way to deepen any resentment. It is best to keep both extremes to yourself.  

I recommend that you independently tell each child your concern and sincerely listen to what they have to tell you. Do not interrupt them or try to explain the past. Just listen to what is on their minds. To keep yourself from trying to intercede on the spot, bring a notepad and write down what they say. This is going to feel strange. Do it anyway if it keeps you quiet. Do not engage. Most definitely do not complain about their siblings, agree, or disagree with them. The purpose of this exercise is for you to hear what is troubling them. 

As adults, I doubt they will ask for your advice, and I would be reluctant to offer any. You can recommend therapy if the chasm is deep and your children are receptive.  

What is wonderful is that they will still come to family gatherings. You need to gently let them know that no arguing, fighting, or name calling will occur in your home. Hold the line on this even if you have to say it over and over. You do have the right to some peace. 

You do need to accept your reality in this situation. Not all children grow to be best friends as adults. Relationships can have different levels of closeness, and they need to figure out what that will be. Your role is to foster positive relationships and let your children know what you want.  

When it comes to elder care, express your wishes clearly and frequently. Draft a health care power of attorney and complete and advance directive. It is important to get ahead of your care needs while you are able to make decisions.