Question 

I am one of three adult children. My father has passed, and my mother is still living. She is in her late 70s and living alone in her home. 

Mom’s health is good, and she is an active person. She is out and about in her community, has friends, and seems quite content. 

My concern is that as mom gets older, she may need support and she does not live very close to any of her children. The closest one of us kids live to her is over a two-hour drive. Any form of daily help is not possible with such a distance between our homes. 

I have opened the conversation with mom about being closer to one of her children as she gets older. Mom is receptive to the idea. The question is who does she live closer to – the oldest, the nurse, or the accountant? 

Answer 

You are being very thoughtful to be considering the long-term care of your mother. While it does not sound like she needs assistance now, almost everyone requires some support in the last years of their life. It is a small percentage of individuals that live a fully functional life and are suddenly gone without ever needing daily help. 

With your mother’s connections to friends and activities where she lives, it will be difficult for her to give that up. Although, doing it when she is younger is much easier than when she is in her 90s and less able to reestablish herself socially. 

When it comes to location, ideally one lives in the same town or city that one or more of the children live in. Even if she moves to a retirement community, it would be helpful for it to be close to the children. In the last years of life, one is often restricted based on mobility and family becomes even more important. Those visits can be golden. 

Choosing the location will be the most challenging decision for her. These are the factors that I recommend she consider as she is deciding: 

Is it possible to find a community that is near two of the children, rather than just one?  Being a caregiver is hard work and two is better than one. 

Which of the children is most likely to have the capacity to help her, both mentally and physically? (I would not base this on the child’s occupation) 

Consider the type of dwelling and its location. Is there yard work, are there stairs, can you walk to the grocery store, are there social opportunities nearby? 

Assume that at some point she will not be able to drive. Attempt to view the location from that perspective. 

Consider the finances. Usually, the most economical way to live is in a mortgage free house or condominium.  

Try to keep an open mind and be flexible with your plans. None of us knows the future. Something can happen in the life of one of the children that materially impacts their ability to provide support. Having a plan B for that possibility is a good idea. 

Thinking ahead and planning for the future is a great idea. It is not failsafe, so exploring several options and having a backup plan is essential. 

Your mother is lucky to have such a thoughtful child. Together, you will hopefully be able to establish a good plan for your mother’s later years.