Question 

It is the middle of January, and I am already dreading Valentine’s Day. It is not because I am single, but because my mother is. Since dad died a few years ago, February 14th is not a good day. Mom wakes on the 14th crying and it does not stop until she cries herself to sleep around 10PM. Nothing seems to distract her on Valentine’s Day. I realize this is not an earth-shattering problem, but I would like some ideas on how to get mom through the 14th with a little less drama. I dread Valentine’s Day! 

Answer 

You do have a challenge handling your mother on a day that makes her very sad. She clearly misses what made that day special for her. She and your father must have celebrated their love on this day, and she has fond memories of past Valentine Days. It seems that trying to distract may not be the best solution for her. Since it has not worked in the past, I would try a different approach. What may help is to talk to your mother in anticipation of the day. Let her know that you were troubled about her distress on prior Valentine’s Days and want to talk with her about what you can do to make the day better for her. It is likely that she may not want you to do anything for her. If it is one day a year that she grieves her loss; it may be what she needs to do. While it is very uncomfortable for you, it may be the one day she mourns and that is okay. Bring her some flowers, or take her to lunch, and do let her know how much she means to you. It will not replace what she had with your father. It does though, let her know how much you care. If your mother cries on and off throughout the day, simply let that happen. It is okay to grieve loss. Do know that over time this day will have a weaker impact on your mother. In the meantime, try to be there for her. Let her know you love her, that you will be there for her, assuming that is what she appreciates. You cannot do too much else, nor is it necessary to do so. Plenty of people feel miserable on Valentine’s Day. The advertising, love stories, and stores filled with displays can make individuals who are not in a relationship feel left out or less than. It is as though you were not invited to the party. Even individuals not seeking a new relationship can feel melancholy on this day. A couple additional ideas if you feel that you need to do something: You could arrange a lunch with other widows on that day. Even connecting with one or two others who are also alone can connect you with people living through the same experience. You could ask each individual to bring a few favorite pictures and a funny story. If she does not have friends in the same situation, you could reach out to a grief support group in your area to find out what is available around that time. Neither of these ideas are without effort or risk, so you would want to discuss them with her first. If this is the one day each year that your mother is sad and it is not an everyday thing that makes her unable to function, I would try the ideas I suggested and let the day pass. I wish you well in your efforts to care for your mother.