Question 

My parents have made it clear that they do not want a funeral. While we are not planning funerals today, it is simply not how death is handled in our family. We always have funerals. There has not been one situation in our family when there was not a funeral after someone passed. 

Both my parents have stated that they think funerals are unnecessary. They feel that the expense is too great and that since they will not be living to attend the funeral, it simply should not happen.

We have tried to discuss all the reasons why funerals are good for those that remain. That discussion has failed to change their minds. 

We are wondering if we just hold a funeral for them anyway. Since they will not be living, there will be nothing stopping us from holding a funeral. 

Answer 

Funerals are a tradition in almost every society, though the rituals surrounding the funeral vary. Each culture has differing beliefs about the afterlife, the way they prepare the body, and what they do with the body.   

Some form of goodbye is the tradition in our society. There is a strongly held belief that it benefits the living to say goodbye. It is not essential though to hold any form of funeral. Their bodies can be buried or cremated without any ceremony. 

It is likely that your parents avoid funerals and are uncomfortable attending them. They clearly see no value in holding a funeral at the end of a life. There is also the issue of cost, though there are ways to keep the cost very low. 

When it comes to planning a funeral for someone that does not want a funeral, I believe that you need to honor their wishes. It will indeed feel like you skipped closure. You also will be forced to explain that your parents refused to have a funeral to anyone that asks. People may be puzzled and ask why. Simply tell them that your parents did not want a funeral and that you are honoring their wishes. 

You may be tempted to hold a funeral anyway. Do not go against their wishes. I believe they have that final right. Funeral ceremonies are not essential. 

There is nothing to stop you and your siblings from gathering to share memories though. There is no need to call it a funeral. It would likely provide you with some closure while still honoring your parents’ directive. 

I recommend that this is one subject that you let go. Your parents may change their minds as death approaches, or a remaining parent after having lost a spouse, may not feel as strongly about the funeral ban. However this plays out, attempt to understand where they are coming from, and follow their wishes. 

This is an emotional subject for all involved. Our traditions provide us comfort, so we cling to them. There is usually an alternate solution that can work if your parents’ do not change their minds. I recommend you consider a new plan to honor and remember their lives.