Question 

My mother is in her late 80s and failing a bit. I have been one of her handful of caregivers for the past few years.   

I have reached a time in my life when my children are independent, and I am approaching retirement. I am looking ahead to a time of freedom, and I want to move to a warmer location. The one concern that I have is moving away from my mother. While she has other caregivers, my departure will create a void for the tasks that I performed. 

I am struggling with the decision about whether I should go at this time. I have the freedom to do as I please, yet I feel an obligation to my mother. One part of me feels that it is my life, and I should be able to do what I want. The other side of me says that I am being very selfish.   

How does one reconcile my situation?   

Answer 

You are in a tough position here and there is no simple answer to your question. You have two options: staying or going.   

Staying: 

Your mother is dependent on you as one of her caregivers. I am assuming that other caregivers are siblings and with maybe some paid help. Your assistance is a valuable resource for your mother. She is likely very appreciative of your assistance. 

Staying in town is a definite advantage for your mother and siblings. Not only is your physical assistance valuable, but there is nothing better than having your children and grandchildren around. The social network of family is very comforting as we age.   

The downside of staying in town is that you are not living out your own dream. Maybe the cost of living is less in the place you are planning to relocate to, maybe the winters are milder, or maybe it has always been your plan to relocate when you retire. 

Relocating: 

This is a fresh start in a new location with endless possibilities. You will have a new home, new restaurants to visit, and new surroundings to explore. You will no longer be one of your mother’s routine caregivers.   

In your absence either the cost of her care will increase, or a sibling will need to take over the tasks that you previously performed for your mother. Your mother will miss the time that the two of you spend together now and need to adjust to you being at a distance. 

For consideration: 

Each person must make these decisions for themselves, though in the spirit of compromise I suggest that you consider one of these options: 

Option #1 – Delay your move until after your mother’s death. This continues your caregiving support and merely delays your departure. It also may provide additional monies from inheritance for your next residence. 

Option #2 – Maintain two residences spending a partial year in each location. In this case, you could work out a redistribution of caregiving duties if the other involved parties are receptive to the concept. 

Option #3 – Move to the new location but plan a couple of trips each year during which you take over all the caregiving for that period. 

There is a fourth option, that being to simply move and let the remaining siblings figure it out. That is not a choice I would suggest, for obvious reasons. You would be simply walking away in that situation and not looking back.   

This is a big decision and not one to take lightly. My recommendation is to talk it over with your fellow caregivers and do your best to find a solution that is good for your mother, your siblings, and yourself.