Question 

My 88-year-old grandfather lost his driver's license after a small accident. He took the driver’s test to keep his license but failed the test. 

Grandpa was heartbroken and is very sad that he can no longer drive. He talks about it to anyone that will listen. He goes on and on about how he is going to pass that test next time and how the accident was not his fault.   

At this point, he is not driving but still has his Cadillac in the garage. We hope that he leaves it there, though without a license we do not think that he will drive. He is a rule follower and unless he is able to get his license back, we are confident that the car will stay in the garage. 

Since he is so sad, we are wondering what we can do to help him to become comfortable with his loss of wheels.   

Answer 

Losing your driver's license is a very difficult milestone for anyone. The freedom to move about in the community is a longed-for day for almost every 15-year-old boy. The ability to simply grab your keys, jump behind the wheel, and go is such a good feeling for everyone once that day arrives.   

It is very understandable that he is angry, frustrated, and anxious to fight. It is a normal response to a significant loss, the ability to drive a car. You will need to give him that time to grieve. 

While it may not be realistic for him to get a driver’s license again, that does not mean that he has lost his right to try. It may not be safe for him to drive anymore. It is okay for him to be expressing his frustration, because that is his reality.   

I recommend that you consider the following as options: 

• Let him talk about it as much as he needs to. It is healthy to express how you are feeling. He has suffered a significant loss. I would even encourage him to talk about it. I do realize how annoying and redundant it will feel to everyone. Let him get it out anyway. 

• Help him calculate what he previously spent owning and driving his car and suggest that he use those dollars to order rides any time that he desires. He may discover that owning and operating a car that spends most of its time sitting is more expensive than using the money to be transported by someone else. Let him know that in places like New York City there are plenty of people that do not own cars and arrange transportation only when they need it. 

• Introduce him to ordering a ride on his phone. You may need to download the apps for him and practice the use of them if he is unfamiliar with the technology. He may be intrigued by seeing where his driver is while waiting. 

• Consider arranging alternate transportation with family members on a set schedule. Do keep to the schedule you establish and be on time. He may be retired, but if he is a person that was always on time, timeliness will be important. Encourage the drivers to clean out their cars and act like it is a privilege to transport. Acting put upon will only deepen grandpa’s sadness. 

Your grandfather is going to be upset for awhile because he just lost a significant independence marker. This may feel like the beginning of the end to him. He is normal and so is his disappointment. Now is the time to listen and help him find alternate solutions that give him some of the control back, or whatever is possible. Do try to be understanding as this is a tough time for him.