Question  

I have five siblings and yet I am the only one caring for our mother. I am tired and I need help. My siblings say that they are too busy to help. They all work full-time, and I work two part-time jobs. So, I am left with everything. I live about 15 minutes away with my family. Right now, I feel like I am running two households. Mom is 90 years old now and has stopped driving. That means that I am running errands every other day. Cleaning, laundry, and shopping are just a few of the tasks that I do for mom. I realize that I sound a little bit whiny, but I am tired. My siblings are busy, I get it. They just seem to ignore the amount of work that I am doing. When I hint about needing help, they just say that they are busy. How do I get them to help out a bit?  

Answer 

Caring for your mother solo is quite a bit of work, as you know. It happens gradually. It is one task, then two, and after a couple of years it feels like you are running constantly. You are definitely managing two households and that is quite a bit for anyone. Since you have siblings in the same town, it is time to lean on them a little bit harder. When you're working full-time it is easy to say that you are too busy to help. It is a convenient excuse to ignore the tasks that are being performed for your mother by someone else. It is not going to be easy for any of them to help your mother during the day like you seem to be able to do. There are evenings though, and weekends. If the tasks were split up it would be more reasonable and less taxing for you. You know that of course. You have reached the point where hinting is not enough. What you must do now is make a list of the tasks you perform and tell your siblings what you are reasonably able to do and what tasks you need them to assume. It is not going to be easy for you to do that since they have been in the denial and avoidance mode. Nevertheless, the past is the past, do not dwell on it and move forward. Realize that your mother’s needs are going to increase, and you are going to need the team to provide the best care for her anyway. It is time to get the care team together. You know your family best and the way it is most effective to communicate your need. One thing to keep in mind is that you cannot back down. When your siblings try to change the subject or fail to respond to your request, persist. Let them know that you are not asking; you are telling them to take on some of the tasks. They will feel better and more like teammates if they participate in her care. Do not take the tasks back if one sibling tries to back out. Have that individual find a temporary substitute for their chore. Now when it comes to performance, stay silent. Of course, you will all have your own style and skill levels. Hopefully, each person picks tasks they excel at, so your mother gets the best care possible. I realize that it is not easy to be the organizer, and it is not always pleasant. It is at times easier to just do it yourself. Do not fall into that trap. It is a concept that does not work with children or adults. I wish you abundant success.