Question 

My mother has had dementia for a few years now. It has been a bit of a challenge for dad. At times I see him being rather short with mom. 

Dad always had a temper when we were kids. I thought that he had mellowed, but recently I witnessed it again when dealing with mom. I am concerned that he simply does not have the patience to care for her anymore.   

Now, mom is a handful at this point. She asks the same things over and over all day long. She must be watched constantly, or she does some very strange things. 

It seems that dad is tired and low on patience. I have seen him grab her arm to stop her from doing something. He sort of yells at mom and does it somewhat frequently.   

I am worried that her care is just too much and that, just maybe, he might hit her. I have never seen him hurt anyone. Even as a child I did not witness any violence. It is just that mom simply cannot help her condition, and it is hard to see this impatience with her. 

What can I do to help the situation? 

Answer 

From what you have described, your father is under stress caring for your mother round-the-clock.  When he is frustrated and tired, he resorts to yelling or directing his frustration verbally. You described a lifelong pattern of doing just that. 

He is aware of his yelling and may or may not desire to change the behavior at this point. Your mother is also familiar with his behavior, though in the past she found a way to deal with it. 

Now you have a situation where your mother is less able to distance herself from his verbal assaults. He also may be far more frustrated than in the past, so yelling is more frequent. Unless you live with your parents, you are unaware of the frequency or level of verbal discourse that goes on. 

There is no easy solution to the problem. Your mother’s condition will worsen over time and the burden of care will continue to evolve. 

In a situation like yours, some intervention is important. Your father needs support, and your mother deserves to be treated with respect. I would take the following steps to assist them: 

• Spend some prolonged time with your parents to observe the actual situation. Ideally, stay with them for a week or two. 

• Provide your father with information about your mother’s condition.

• In a quiet moment, mention to your father that you notice he is frustrated with your mother at times. Await his response. 

• Help your father locate in-home help if you feel that he could use the support, or provide it yourself.  Providing support all day is tiring and your father needs help. 

• Offer to visit memory care facilities should that type of care be needed in the future. 

• Connect your father with outside groups that provide the same type of care and help him arrange coverage for your mother so that he can be away. 

• Engage with your local Department of Aging if you are unsuccessful. They offer professionals that may reach your father. 

You are in a difficult situation that may or may not be resolved with the suggestions that I have made. Your father is under pressure and his release is to yell at whoever he perceives is causing it. I recommend taking the steps I have listed to determine if there is a need to involve professionals.   

I wish you well with this situation. Be sure to involve siblings if you have them, not to double team but for support.