Question 

My father died a few years ago and my sibling and I have become my mother’s caregivers. We are trying to figure out what is reasonable for us to do and what is not. 

Mom expects us to come to her home every weekend to clean the house top to bottom. She is quite demanding and exacting. She wants the floors hand scrubbed, every surface dusted, the laundry done, the grass cut, and on and on. The house is about 3,000 square feet, and the yard is significant. It takes us about 6 hours if we work nonstop to do all of the chores that mom has for us to do. 

The thing is, we are adults with homes, children, and spouses. Weekends are sports, shopping, and taking care of our own homes. It is really quite difficult for us to spend so much time working on mom’s house. 

We do not want to tell her that we cannot do it anymore, but that is what we both want to say. What do we do? 

Answer 

Your mother clearly has reached the point where she is living in a home that is far more than she can handle. She also desires to maintain it in the same way she always did, which makes sense. The disconnect here is that your mother seems to be insensitive to the fact that you have families and homes to manage. 

It is understandable that she does not wish to leave her home. It is very hard to let go of your home if you raised your family in it. The thing is, we all reach the point in life when we cannot care for a house. It is not unreasonable to ask for some support, though almost an entire day each weekend is quite a lot when you are managing a family of your own. Therefore, it is time for a heart-to-heart discussion with your mother. 

You and your sibling must agree on what you can do to support your mother with her need for home maintenance. If you can assist an hour or two a week, grass cutting, shopping, window washing, or doing other chores, it is time you tell your mother what you are able to do. There is no defined amount of work that is standard, though it is best if you two decide what each of you can do in advance. In this process, do your best not to judge each other. 

Meet with your mother and offer to make arrangements for her to hire the cleaning or yard work that she needs to supplement what you are able to perform. Expect some push back or anger. Since you have been doing the work, your mother is going to struggle to understand why you are no longer willing to do what you have been doing. It is time to be honest. Let your mother know that you love her and are not abandoning her. What you are doing is being realistic about what you can get done in a week to care for her and your family. 

Let your mother know that you understand why she may not want to move. The reality is that she has a large home and she needs outside assistance to care for it. 

I would avoid telling your mother that it is time to move. No one wants to be told where to live or how to live their lives. She will draw the necessary conclusion if and when she is ready. Some people live in their residence until the end, with support. If your mother has the means, she will be able to do whatever she wants. Do help her set up the necessary help. 

You are in the position that most children find themself in as their parents get older, and it is not easy for anyone to manage. I wish you well as you navigate this transition with your mother.