Question 

I want to be a better caregiver next year. I do not think that I did my share in the last couple of years, and I do not feel good about it.

I am the youngest child with four older siblings. They do literally everything. It’s as though they think I am incapable of doing anything for mom. I am quite a bit younger than them, but I am 50 years old and quite able to help out. 

Mom is in her last 80s and slowing down. She just gave up driving and cannot take care of her house like she once did. My siblings do a great job of caring for her. When I offer help, they say that they have it covered. 

I fear that they still think I am a baby and may someday resent that I did nothing. I do not want to have a battle about this. Just seeking some advice on how to handle the siblings. 

Answer 

There are always semi weird inequities when it comes to caregiving. Usually there is the opposite problem, where a sibling or two do nothing, and there is resentment. Someone being left out because they are the “baby” of the family is less common, though being left out of decision making is more common for the youngest. It is as though you never grew up. 

There are ways for you to fix the situation with a bit of creativity and little drama. It will take a bit of planning and a small dose of assertiveness. 

Start with identifying the tasks that are being done by your siblings. Next, take notice of things that are getting hard for your mother to do. Lastly, think about what way you would like to contribute to caregiving. 

Once you have figured out what is needed and how you would like to contribute, it is time to communicate to your siblings about what you will be doing on a going forward basis. If it is a task that is currently not being done, let us say window washing, simply let the primary caregiver know that you will be assuming that task and with what frequency. Do your best not to offend the person who is helping with cleaning and make sure that the windows are not being cleaned on some schedule by someone or hired out. Please realize that window washing is just an example. 

If you would like to assist the caregiver that is carrying the heaviest load of the work, you could approach that person and offer to take on a few of the regular tasks. If you get any pushback, let that sibling know that you feel a need to be a bigger part of your mother’s care and would like to lessen his or her load. 

If no one is willing to relinquish their tasks and you cannot see any need at the moment, it is time for anticipation. Your mother will get older and less able. She may need help with laundry. Mom may need meals prepared. Your mother may need more frequent medical visits. Pick an upcoming task and announce to your siblings that you will be handling or coordinating that task when the time comes. 

Most important in this situation is that you follow through on whatever task you take on. Being part of the caregiving is important, and rarely does someone have regret. You will be able to make this happen in the new year if you persist with good intent. 

I wish you and your family well as you begin the new year.