Question 

My mother passed away a year ago and my father is now living alone. He seems to be able to feed himself just fine. What he does not do is clean very much.  

Dad pushes the vacuum cleaner about a bit, but that is about it. The dust is thick and the floors need a good washing. I won’t get into how the bathrooms look. Frankly, since mom died, I do not believe that there has been any material cleaning. 

Dad is quite capable of cleaning, though I think that mom did it all. I do not want to insult him, but I fear it will only continue to get worse. He does not seem to be aware that the house is starting to look kind of shabby. Mom would never have let it look that way. 

What is the best way to handle this situation? 

Answer 

The first year after losing a spouse is a significant period of adjustment for the remaining spouse. The tasks that his spouse did will seem quite foreign to him. It is quite likely that he has not done many things that your mother did for their entire marriage, which can be decades.  

Now all those tasks fall to him, and he will fail at some of them.   

It is possible that your father does not have the same standards when it comes to cleaning that your mother had. He may not even be aware of what it takes to keep the house clean to the level that it was before. 

Since house care is bothering you, there are several options on how to handle the situation. You could offer to help your father with the cleaning. If he accepts, you could gradually show him how your mother kept the house. If he is receptive, you could make a list of the tasks that need to be accomplished and the frequency with which each task is done.   

If you have siblings, it is possible that each one of you could choose a section of the house, or a task to do on a regular basis. Your father may enjoy the company and will hopefully jump in and participate. 

Another option is to hire someone to clean once or twice a month. For those that do not enjoy cleaning but still want a clean house, this is the most practical way to accomplish what is needed. Let your father know that it is common to hire out some of the tasks that a spouse used to do, and it is not a failure on his part. It is not necessary to be an expert at everything. 

I would avoid ignoring house management, since it has been a year and your father has not figured out how to maintain the home and is not showing any inclination to. I agree that it will likely get worse, or at least not better. He needs some support and encouragement. He may also feel a bit better in a cleaner home.   

I reiterate that losing a spouse is very difficult and disorientating. The adjustment for him is not small. Handle the situation with kindness and support. Hopefully you can see it as a shared project, and you can help him pick up skills that he never had.