Question 

My mother is caring for our father who has dementia. Mom is 81 years old and healthy. Dad is 85 years old and becoming quite the handful.

Dad must be supervised constantly, or he wanders off. Sometimes dad can be rather difficult with just about anyone he encounters. He also is confused most of the time.   

Mom is doing her absolute best to manage the household and supervise dad round-the-clock.  What we are starting to see is signs of wear on mom. She is missing hair appointments. We do not think she is sleeping through the night. Mom also seems frazzled most of the time, but she is determined to care for him. In fact, she promised dad that she would. 

There is the money factor also. Mom always seems worried about their finances. While I do not know specifics, I think money could be an issue. 

What we are wondering is if we should approach mom about moving dad to a memory care unit. We just do not see how she can continue to care for him like this. How do you advise us to approach mom? 

Answer 

Caring for a spouse and parent with dementia is definitely a challenge for caregivers. It is understandable that your mother is tired and stressed. She likely has little time for herself now.  She needs assistance as soon as you and the family can figure out how to provide it. 

While she may be very strong and independent, if you are seeing signs of wear, she needs your help. It is time to step in and insist that she allows others to provide the needed support. 

It is a matter of resources. Start by looking to family members and close friends. Identify routine times that individuals can provide coverage. Obtain firm commitments and do not ask for more time than can be sustained. This is not a short-term situation. Even two hours a week from someone is a gift of time that will be invaluable to your mother. You will be surprised at how much a few hours a day will do for your mother. Create a schedule and place the caregiving visits on it, so that your mother can plan accordingly.  

It is time for you to explore your options for paid caregivers also. You may not need them immediately, though it is good to have done the research to find out what is available and what it costs. When you weigh options with your mother, it is a good idea to have the facts and figures available. 

Moving your father to a memory care unit would provide relief for your mother. It will depend on her willingness to place your father. She may not be receptive to the move if she plans to care for your father at home though. Have a conversation with your mother about her plans. If she is considering that option, go along with her to provide support and a second opinion. She is likely to appreciate the planning partner. 

This is also the time to talk about money and to help her weigh all their options. Without complete information, it is going to be difficult for you to help your mother make an informed choice.   

It is difficult to watch a parent struggle as you are. I recommend that you step in now to help your mother by finding her support and assisting her in planning for future care. Just having someone to recognize and share the load will be a significant assistance to her. 

I wish you well on this journey.