Question  

I am worried that my father is being a little bit rough with mom. Mom has memory issues from Alzheimer’s which she was diagnosed with five years ago. At this point, mom still gets around, but she needs to be supervised at all times. She is generally pleasant and easy to be around. Dad handles everything around the house, cooking, cleaning, and supervising her. Lately, I have seen him yelling at her when she asks the same question over and over. I have not seen him hit her, but I have observed him shove her once. I don’t think he would hurt mom, but I am concerned that her care may just be too much for him. How should I approach this situation? I am a little bit afraid of interfering as I am scared he will get mad at me.  

Answer  

Your reluctance to “interfere” in your parent’s lives is understandable. They are the parents and you the child. It is not the usual place for children to interfere in their parent’s relationship. The thing is, your mother is in a very vulnerable situation, her memory is poor, what she says may not be credible, and she is completely dependent for her care. Your father is a 24-hour caregiver. He is likely tired, a bit overwhelmed, and doing all the household work. This is a situation that is placing the two of them under considerable stress. Your father may need training, support, and/or respite care. Caring for a spouse with Alzheimer’s is a very taxing job. While he may be committed to caring for her, that does not mean that he does not need help, and he is not stressed and annoyed at times. A spouse with Alzheimer’s is very frustrating. A saint would lose their patience. When one sees a person, such as your father, in distress, it is important to provide assistance. Your father is signaling his need for your help, not directly, but indirectly. Accusations are not the type of support he needs. He likely needs time off and maybe away; we call that respite. It is not easy to approach the subject, though it is necessary to do so. You could begin by offering to cover supervision of your mother on a scheduled basis each week. It would bring you a bit closer to the situation and give your father time to do something else. You will be able to see if that has any impact on them. If you see no improvement in his handling of your mother or it worsens, you will need to say something, even though it will be difficult. Navigating this situation is tricky for anyone. I recommend getting outside support via the Alzheimer’s Association, a therapist, family doctor, or Department of Aging if needed. It is never easy to call someone on behavior that you do not think is right. It is even harder when it is a parent. I wish you well as you approach this difficult situation.