Question

My mother turned 90 this year. She lives alone in an apartment near my house. I visit her several times a week to run errands for her and to do the deep cleaning. She can prepare most meals for herself. I would say that I am her primary caregiver. I have a brother and a sister who live in the same state, but over an hour away from her house. Needless to say, they do not see her as often and do very little of the weekly caregiving. My husband and children wanted to spend our Christmas this year on a vacation to someplace warm. We settled on Jamaica and booked a trip over the holidays. My siblings are giving me a hard time about being away, even though they will be with mom and in town for the holidays. They say things like, "Oh it could be mom’s last,” or “Are you sure you want to be away in case something happens?” I feel quite the guilt trip. Have I made the wrong decision here? Am I not entitled to get away?

Answer

You are the caregiver for an elderly parent. You are also the caregiver for your immediate family. The challenge is caring for both while you also care for yourself. You have not described a parent who is living the last moments of her life. It sounds as though your mother is reasonably capable of self-care. Cleaning, shopping, and other errands can be arranged for, which I am assuming that you have done. While you being away over Christmas may be different than prior years, that does not mean that you should not go. We tell caregivers all the time to care for themselves. It is a very hard thing to do, because we are torn between the responsibilities at home and the need to have a break and spend time with your home family. I am making the assumption that you have arranged for your mother’s care. The only real issue is that you will miss the festivities this year. Encourage your siblings to expend a little extra effort to spend time with your mother. Video conference with your mother on the actual holiday to provide the connection that she will miss while you are gone. There is always a bit of guilt about leaving an elderly parent behind when you are on a break. What is important to recognize that it is a healthy approach to a long-term caregiving situation is to get a break from it occasionally. Go and have a good time. You deserve it. Come back refreshed and ready to resume the important caregiving that you are doing.