Question 

Since my mother’s stroke, my dad has become her full-time caregiver. They’re together almost around the clock, with the exception of his two-hour pool league each week and a couple of short trips out to run errands. While my mom enjoys those small pockets of independence, my dad has understandably become very focused on her safety and is hesitant to leave her alone. 

I’m starting to worry about him. Aside from those few hours, I don’t see him making time for things he enjoys or taking care of himself. I know how much he loves her and how seriously he takes this role, but I also know he needs balance. 

How can I gently encourage him to take more time for himself without making him feel guilty or like he’s falling short as a caregiver? 

Answer 

Many spouses step into the caregiving role when one spouse has a medical incident.  The role can happen suddenly, often without warning.  The spouse simply jumps in and does.  Before you know it, they are making all the meals, doing the laundry, helping with bathing, doing all the shopping, and assuming all the tasks that were previously shared.  There are also new tasks to care for someone that might need help with dressing, bathing, eating, or walking.  It would tire anyone out. 

Some individuals can dissociate from the situation and quickly seek an alternate solution.  They hire help, look to a facility, or enlist the help of family.  They do not consider assuming 24 hour care.  Others take on all the chores of being the entire solution.  These tend to be people that do everything themselves.  They do not hire out for something that they can technically do. 

Your father falls into the second category.  While tired, he is not seeing another option for them.  Or not an option that he is willing to consider.  If your mother’s abilities do not improve, he will become more and more depleted.  It sounds like he already is showing the signs of overload. 

As a child, it is not easy to witness the situation at your parents’ home.  When the caregiver starts to look a bit ragged, like your father, it is time to add a solution or two.  He is not likely to let go of what he believes is his obligation, though he may accept your help.  He may even listen to your advice. 

I recommend that they start with an alert device.  Your mother should be wearing some form of device, to monitor for another stroke.  A stroke or a fall is likely your father’s greatest fear and may be keeping him from outside tasks while your mother is in the house.  If he can be notified immediately, he is more likely to venture out with less fear.  He may also sleep better. 

If you live nearby you might want to stop over at the same day and time each week.  If able, you would want to time it to when your father used to get out of the house or work outdoors.  After a few stops you might suggest that he resume his routine while you are there. 

When you visit, bring a few prepared meals for the freezer.  Meal prep is time consuming and healthy meals are always appreciated.  Your father is not likely to ask you for food though it will provide him considerable relief. 

Explore how cleaning gets accomplished at your parent’s home.  Do they need assistance that you can provide, or would professional cleaning a couple of times a month be the most helpful?  It is not cost prohibitive for most and would provide order to their home. 

What to look at are the tasks your mother performed that your father is struggling with.  She may have paid the bills, done the laundry, weeded, or prepared all the meals.  Break down each item with your father that your mother did, and seek solutions to simplify, assist with, or hire out some of those tasks.  

This might be the time to talk with your parents about their ability to afford a little bit of outside help.  Most retirees save for care so that they have resources if needed at this time of their life, though there is often a fear of running out of money. Many are reluctant to access those accounts.  It is okay to talk with them about their position on paying for care.  Helping them plan may provide comfort for you and for them.   

Your father is doing what most spouses do when their partner has a medical incident.  It does put a tremendous strain on the healthy spouse, and it is oftentimes visible.  You are wise to step in and help to ease the burden.  You will be able to tell if you are successful in how your father appears after a few weeks.  I wish you well.