Question 

My mother’s neighbor visits quite regularly. My mother is 85 years old, and the neighbor and I are about the same age, 50. These visits are starting to make me uncomfortable and she visits almost daily.  

When visiting she asks probing questions of my mother about finances, transportation, and the family. Even my mother is starting to mention how strange it feels that her neighbor visits every day. 

The other thing that is odd is that the neighbor does not stop over with a purpose. She is not a caregiver, she does not do any housework, and she does not offer to help mother in any way. She talks about helping though she does not actually do anything. 

I do not know what the neighbor’s agenda is, but I do feel that she might be looking for something. She has asked about password storage and where my mother banks.  

This all could be innocent, but I am still nervous that there is more at stake here? What recommendations do you have? 

Answer 

I agree that something seems off here. For a neighbor to be visiting daily for no real purpose, is out of the ordinary.  

There is the possibility that your mother’s neighbor is just lonely and is visiting to have something to do. Your mother’s house may be an easy place to go, so she stops by to have someone to talk with.  

The conversation has become prying and potentially deceitful. The age disparity also is a little concerning. It is not that someone cannot have friendships with someone from a different era; it is the combination of age disparity and the prying questions that is most concerning.  

The topics of conversation about passwords and banking are inappropriate. Though first, it is important to find out who is bringing up the topics. With someone who visits that frequently, it is likely that many discussions occur about a variety of subjects. Ask your mother how close they have become and what they talk about. 

If the neighbor is asking probing questions without conversational context, it is very concerning, meaning your mother did not just bring up an article she read in the paper or a magazine about password protection. Has your mother talked about banks or bank rates and asked the neighbor for advice? Or is the neighbor asking questions about banking? Since your mother mentioned it, a deeper dive into the details of the conversations needs to occur. If you establish that the neighbor is probing inappropriately to be the case, it is time for action. Your mother needs to create some distance between them. She should keep her door locked and stop letting this person in. I recommend that she continue to be cordial when outdoors but do not invite the neighbor in anymore. It may be difficult to do this, though it is necessary. 

Additionally, immediately have her change her passwords and relocate how she stores them. You do not know what skills the neighbor has to access electronic data. Also, have your mother change her WIFI password. Have her check all her accounts to make sure nothing is missing.  

It is possible that the neighbor will confront her about the change in their relationship. Tell your mother that no explanation is required. She should just change the subject or turn away. If the neighbor becomes aggressive or pushy, you may need to contact the authorities.  

If you are able, spend a week at your mother’s house to help her break the cycle of daily visits. If you cannot stay overnight, spend most of the day with her. If you have siblings, you could set up a rotation of family members that stop by frequently. Clue them into the concerns about the neighbor. The closer family is physically, the clearer it will become to the neighbor that your mother has family and is cared for. The change in family activity will signal to the neighbor that your mother’s well-being is being looked after.  

This transition will not be an easy one, as a pattern has been established and your mother has derived some benefit from the social interaction. With your assistance, she will be able to set some boundaries and protect herself.