Question 

I am one of five children with a 90-year-old mother. Four of my siblings live in the same town as my mother. I was the rebel that moved across the country to chase my dreams. I never moved back home. 

Mom lives alone and my siblings pretty much do all the heavy lifting. They get groceries, take mom to the doctor, cut grass, and manage all the daily and weekly tasks that mom needs done. 

I realize that they think I get off without doing anything while they do all the caregiving. I do feel a bit guilty about this and wonder how to equalize this out a bit. I want to be part of the solution but am only able to visit once or twice a year. There is no way to put in the hours that my siblings do to care for mom. What do you recommend I do to contribute my share? 

Answer 

Children who are distant have an advantage and a disadvantage when it comes to caregiving for a parent. You have a ready excuse for not helping, though it does come with some guilt for not carrying an equal load of work. You also miss out on shared experiences that you and your children could have had with your parents. 

With our very mobile society, distant caregiving is increasingly common. It does require careful planning, but it is possible to be part of the caregiving team with your siblings. It will take a bit of effort and strong communication with the group, but it can be done. 

Start by letting your siblings know that you want to be involved in providing assistance for your mother. They may scoff at your initial offer of help, so prepare the ways in which you can assist and offer them up when you speak to them. 

Some very successful caregiving children do not live in the same hometown. They employ creative strategies to help out. Here are some of the ways they are part of the solution: 

1. Some manage all bill paying remotely. With access to your mother’s account, you can pay all of her monthly bills on time from anywhere. 

2. You can handle medical claims, insurances, taxes, even medication purchased, or questions that arise regarding any of those services. 

3. Some schedule one or two weeks a year to do project work for their parent. It could be painting, landscape work, deep cleaning, closet cleaning, or any time-consuming project that siblings and mom feel would be helpful for overall piece of mind. 

4. Any individual can be the person that calls mom every morning to check on her. Yes, it is a phone call, and it could take some time, but can be a very important task for peace of mind. 

5. Another idea it to trade services with a sibling that uses a skill they need in exchange for their caregiving time. For example, your sister is doing daily tasks for your mother that you cannot, because you live 1,000 miles away. You cannot do what your sister is doing, though you could send her a takeout meal every so often, or do a painting job for her (assuming you did painting on the side), or offer to help her with any other project that she needs doing. Think of it as a barter system for caregivers. 

Being part of the solution can be what you make it. The most important thing is that you try and are genuinely helpful. Make offers that you intend to follow through on. And then stand by your word. 

Caregiving can look different in every family. My suggestion is that you jump in and help. Not everything you try will work out. It does not matter in the end. What matters is that you contribute. Do not let distance be your barrier. It is 2025 and technology has made distance less relevant than in the past.