Question 

I am watching my parents struggle with life and care for my father. My mother is worn out providing 24-hour care and has not been willing to accept help. I help as much as she will allow, but I see the toll it is taking on her. 

About five years ago dad started to decline. Today he needs to be fed, bathed, and toileted. Mom cannot leave the house because he requires supervision also. 

My parents both worked and did their absolute best to raise five children, pay off their mortgage, and save a bit for retirement. They do not have a lot, and mom is a healthy 80-year-old. I do not think they want to spend any of their savings on care. 

I know that money is on her mind and paying for care is not going to be likely. I just don’t know how much longer she can provide the kind of care she has been giving. What options does she have? 

Answer 

Caring for a declining spouse is a fairly common situation and the strain is quite real. It is good that you are noticing the caregiver's situation and the stress it is placing on her. What you are observing is what happens when we work too much.  

It is understandable that your mother is simply providing the care herself. She is physically capable at this point of being the caregiver, and paying for assistance is not something she is likely to consider if their resources are limited. 

What I recommend that you do is step in and step up. Your mother is going to continue to fade, and she needs support. Whether she wants it or not is immaterial at this point. She needs relief and she is not likely to admit it. 

Here is what I recommend. Contact your siblings and let them know of the situation and your mother’s condition. Insist that the children provide some relief for your mother. Do not be surprised if not everyone is willing to help. Oftentimes the assistance offered can be more by some than others. For anyone that lives out of town, ask for their help in blocks of time like days or a weekend. At this point what you are doing is letting everyone know of the need and simply asking. Take what you can get from each person. My recommendation is that you ask each person to give your mother two to three hours of coverage each week to be with your father. She can leave to shop, take a walk, work in the garden, nap, or do whatever she would like to do to recharge. 

Next, let your mother know what is going to happen. She is likely to tell you that she does not need help. I recommend that you insist. After a couple of weeks, she will likely lean in to having some support. She needs it and you will be doing the right thing for the situation. 

Once your mother has cleared a bit of mental space, it is time for the second step, to start planning for future care needs. Ask your mother to discuss in detail her financial situation with one of the children or a financial advisor if she has not already done so. What you need to find out is what their resources really are and what options they have for long-term care. Research online what is available in their community for support. Help could be meals, yard care, respite, medical care, or other support at no cost or a small amount for those in need. Most communities or counties have a department for aging. All those individuals do is assist the elderly. Now it the time to investigate those resources for your parents. Many assistance programs are tied to financial assets, so getting a handle on that situation first is essential. 
 
Your next step will be to assist your mother in setting up the support services that they will need. It may be filling out applications, proving financial need, or going to appointments. It will be much easier for her with your assistance. 

Adult children can be a tremendous source of support for aging parents. In many cases you simply need to step in and be that person. Both of your parents will benefit from your intervention and as you identified, now is the time. 

I wish you success.