Question 

My children are in their teens and quite active in sports. My husband and I attend each and every game and really enjoy cheering on our children. It has become most of our entertainment. 

My mother lives nearby, so it is only natural that she might occasionally want to join us in the bleachers. We have taken her along a number of times. 

What happens when we bring mom is she makes rather frequent comments about other players. Her commentary is not always that nice. She appears to be completely unaware of those sitting around her. The stands are filled with parents, and it is possible that they can hear her cutting remarks. 

Mom is in her 70s and not at all confused. She is well aware of what she is saying. It just seems that she has lost her filter at this point.  

As a daughter, what would be the best way to change her behavior without upsetting her? We do want her to participate; we just don’t want her to offend others and embarrass us. 

Answer 

The elderly blurting out exactly what is on their mind does happen with some individuals. There can be a variety of reasons for this. Sometimes it is more prevalent in early dementia. Other times is a new attitude of, “I am old and have earned the right to say what I think”. Some do not hear well enough to realize that others around them can hear what they think they are saying quietly. There are individuals that feel they have reached a certain age, and they no longer need to be politically correct. Some were always that way, and it is just more frequent now. 

Whatever is the reason, your mother is making you uncomfortable and likely the people around her. It is difficult to say anything because she is your mother and you are not used to correcting her. You spent your entire life being taught, disciplined, coached, and corrected by your mother. You are not the one doing the teaching. 

You know what she is saying is potentially hurtful, if overheard. She is also making you uncomfortable. She may not be aware that her comments are bothering you. 

The time has come to calmly tell your mother that you would rather that she did not say negative things about the other children. Make the statement immediately after she says something negative. Say it simply without a parental tone and then go on to cheering for the next goal, basket, hit, or spike. Do not discuss what she has said. Do not turn away from her. Do not make a big deal of it. Say it and carry on as before. 

What you have done is tell her to stop, without offending her. You have demonstrated that you are not angry or that you love her less. You have simply told her to stop. It is possible that you may need to repeat your message a few times, though once or twice could do the trick. 

If after a few requests on your part, her behavior continues, then you will need to take different action. It will be time to stop inviting your mother to the children’s games. She is likely to notice, so when she asks, you will need to respond with her refusal to acknowledge your request to limit her negative comments about other children. Do not lecture or elaborate. The message needs to be consistent and without emotion. Leave childhood drama out of the conversation. Don’t let her drag you into collusion thinking, because yes, you may technically agree that one of the players is overweight or in need of a haircut. 

If your mother has a medical reason for her comments, your verbal correction may not have a lasting impact. An evaluation by a specialist in that situation is advised for her. 

It is never easy to correct or redirect a behavior pattern, though it can be done. Consistency in your approach is essential for you to achieve success. I hope you can secure a change and continue to enjoy the family time in the bleachers.