Question 

I am a 76-year-old widow, and I feel like I have a problem with my children. They are lovely children, but lately they feel a little bossy. 

You see, my husband died about a year ago. It has been quite an adjustment for me and the children. The loneliness is the most difficult part, but I am starting to get used to it. Since that time, my children seem to be more involved in my business. 

Last week, my daughter decided that I needed to see a specialist and made an appointment without checking with me first. My son keeps asking about my finances with detailed questions. 

Last week during dinner the children made me uncomfortable by telling me what to order. Then when the waiter asked about dessert, they decided that I shouldn’t have any. 

How do I manage this situation?  

Answer 

It appears that the death of your spouse has prompted a change in your relationship with your children. For some reason, they are acting as though you need taking care of now. 

It is wonderful that your children are willing to care for you when you need it. What is not so good is that you do not need or want a caregiver at this point in your life, yet you seemed to have acquired them. 

Something has given your children the impression that you need caring for. It could be simply an overabundance of love, a request your father made before his death, a family tradition of how the elderly are treated, or possibly a vibe that you are giving off. 

Regardless of the reason for their behavior, it is time for you to do a bit of a reset with the children. Based on their actions I would surmise that the children are under the impression that you cannot manage your affairs. Therefore, you will need to calmly assert yourself to change how they view you. 

Go ahead and let your daughter know that you prefer to make your own medical appointments. Then handle making the appointments that you need. Going forward, you may want to keep minor aches and pains to yourself. It’s one thing to enlist the support of your child if you have a major health concern. In that situation you may want a family member’s support. For day-to-day concerns I recommend handling the issues without involving the children. 

It should be easy enough to tell your son that at this point in your life, you are able to manage your finances just fine. If you desire, you can give him just enough information to assure him that you are on top of things. 

Telling you what to order is really quite strange. I cannot imagine what occurred that has them thinking that you cannot make a decision about what you want to eat. Rather than getting too upset, the next time calmly interrupt and say that you can decide for yourself. Review the menu in advance at the restaurant’s web site and be prepared to order when the waiter/waitress arrives. Being decisive and assertive should keep them from overstepping. 

In all other situations where the children seem a bit too intrusive, just listen politely and then tell them what you are going to do. Hopefully a simple reset is all that you will need to restore their understanding that you are a mature and independent adult. 

I wish you well as you navigate your relationship with your children.