Question

We are entering a new year, and I am dreading it because I feel that it will be just like the past few years, and I am not sure that I can do this anymore. I have been caring for my father now for about five years. I live next door to dad in a house that he provided. I feel an obligation to give back because of all that he has done for me and of course, because he is my father. I work full-time, have three children that are teenagers, and no spouse. The demands of day-to-day living plus my father’s care have become overwhelming. Most of the time I am just going through the motions to get through each day. Dad now requires help at least twice a day. I give him his medication, prepare his meals, run all of his errands, and take care of his house. It’s a lot. Luckily dad has a reasonable amount of assets, and his finances are managed by a financial planner. I simply manage his checkbook for the monthly expenses. I know that this situation is not forever, but I wonder if I will go crazy in the meantime. What do you suggest?

Answer

From what you describe, your time is filled beyond capacity, and you need to make a few changes in the new year to feel some relief. Raising teenagers alone is a very big job. Add a second household, a job, and a dependent parent and you have overload for just one person. It is understandable that you see only darkness in the new year. There is likely little room for anything but work and more work. Yes, this will pass in time, maybe years though. In the meantime, your mental and physical health is at risk because of the load you are carrying. Your story reads like you need to spend a little time on a bit of rework. I recommend that you start with your immediate household, that is your children. Assuming that they live in your house, that is. Hold a family meeting and be honest with them. Tell them how you feel. Let them know that you need assistance with certain tasks. Provide them with a written list of the tasks that you would be willing to let go of. Ask them each to assume one or two tasks in entirety. The tasks could be grocery shopping, preparing dinner two nights per week, laundry, cleaning bathrooms, running errands, or whatever needs doing on a regular basis. Do recognize that they may not perform these tasks to your level of perfection, you will need to accept that going in. Let them know that if they cannot perform the task they need to trade with a sibling. I consider your immediate household as phase one. If the teens assisting is enough to provide real relief that is wonderful. If it still leaves you overloaded, talk to your father about getting outside help with some of the remaining tasks. Many busy people have lawn service, grocery pick up, house cleaning, and delivered anything. There is no shame in getting help. There is always in home care as your father’s needs grow. Phase two is preparing your father to accept help from your children and possibly outsiders. Let him know about the changes you are implementing at home. Let him know that as his care needs grow you will not be able to be with him day and night and still maintain outside employment. Talking about it and gradually adding support is what is needed for 2025. Now is the time for you to seek support from others like yourself from a mental health perspective. There are millions of people just like you. A caregiving group may be helpful for you to share your story and to hear how others are managing a similar situation. A quick internet search will uncover what is available in your area. This may seem like a lot to tackle right now when you are so busy. It is. Do take a day or so though to think it through and enact a few of the changes needed to bring some joy into 2025.